Product Review: JML Point'n'Paint

There's one part of painting that particularly resounds with me, and that's "pain". When it comes to decorating a room, I can turn absolutely anything into a Picasso-esque abstract masterpiece.

This summer, feeling rather boisterous, and harbouring a massive burst of unspent creativity, I decided to paint my bedroom. Viewers of my YouTube videos will know that, for the past half-a-decade [at least], my room has been a garish green colour [or, as Dulux called it, "Fruit Fool 2."]

This time, however, I've decided to go the extra mile, and I've resorted to covering my walls in an overbearing blue [or, as Wilkinson call it: "Electric Blue".]

Since my paintbrushes and I are not on speaking terms since our last petty squable [painting the living room white a few years ago], I decided to invest in the item you see above -  the JML Point'n'Paint. According to the wondrous video that's played above these products in stores, you don't need to tape around any fixtures and fittings on your walls, and you can paint an entire room in less than an hour. These claims, however, are probably geared towards people who have an iota of common sense and artistic talent. But how would they fare with your common-ore urban idiot [i.e. me]?
[Find out after the very small jump!]
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JML are usually renowned as a company that hold true to their claims, and make devices and products that actually help consumers out in their own homes. But with the Point'n'Paint, they may have overstretched themselves.

Firstly, while the thought of painting an entire room in less than an hour sounds fantastic, you may want to hold your horses. At best, even while listening to a bunch of uptempo, modern dance songs, you'll probably find that you'll do one wall in about an hour. I'm not sure if the JML marketing department lost the memo on this one, but to be classed as a 'room', something ideally needs to have four walls. That means that, most likely, you'll be spending at least four hours on a room. While that doesn't sound too bad, I'll draw your attention to two of the words in that sentence: "at least". I say "at least" because the Point'n'Paint does not spread the paint evenly across your wall. What tends to happen is that you end up with a massive splodge of paint where you start your stroke, and a massive splodge where you end it, with the bit in between making you wonder which universe all your paint has somehow magically teleported to.

Because of this lack of coverage, not only will you need to add a second and sometimes third coat, but by the time you get to your second coat, you'll be in for a nasty surprise.

JML's products usually have great build quality, but the pads that apply the paint to your walls, however, seem to made out of dandelion clocks, and held together with sweat and spit from the factory floor. After just about holding on for one coat of paint, they lose all friction, tear off the bottom of the pad, and fall to the floor [which, in my case, made it look like a ghost of a Smurf/Na'vi crossbreed].

Of course, this is a fantastic thing for JML, as you need to repeatedly run back to the shops and buy yet another set of pads to paint with. If you listen carefully as it thunks into your basket or trolley, you can hear a cash-register chime and a CEO cackle, somewhere in the direction of JML's head office.

In short, while the JML Point'n'Paint is a good idea for novices like me, it simply does not do the job very well, thanks to its shoddy build quality, and its lack of ability to spread paint properly. Unfortunately, then, it looks like I will have to cancel my application to re-decorate the roof of the Sistine Chapel. It also looks like painting, if you excuse the 'gangsta' turn of phrase, will remain exactly that: "pain ting."

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Inbox Nasties

Aaah, don’t you remember the good old days? Back when spam filters actually seemed to work, and the only weird emails you’d get were from your long lost Nigerian businessman friend who conveniently chose this time to waltz back into your life so you could transfer him some money, even though he’d obviously pay you back? Or from those pesky people who seemed hell-bent on telling you how to give your girlfriend that bit of extra pleasure, and explaining how you could gain an extra three inches in a week? Well, unfortunately, those rose-tinted and legendary days have now come to an end. Mr Okuma and The Cialis Corporation have since ceased to email me, and I suddenly feel like the ex-boyfriend figure, yelling “Baby, please, come back! I didn’t mean to ignore you!”

“Why,” you ask? Well, there’s a whole new set of meanies that may just be nestling in your inbox right now.

Around seven times a day, I get an email from Scott Brian. If the name wasn’t suspicious enough [my mum always told me that anyone who had two first-names was a greedy little git!], the subject headings are fishier than the tuna salad you ate last week. Apparently, I, an 18 year old university student, hailing from the North West of London, can earn at least 6,000 pounds a DAY just from working in the comfort of my own home! And apparently I’m not the only one, John Carter, a stay at home dad from somewhere in Missouri has done it too, and is now absolutely raking it in! Isn’t that fantastic!?

Not really. Although I’m absolutely ecstatic for Mr Carter [if, indeed, he exists at all], I don’t really want to make a million pounds just by sitting in my room and ‘following a magic strategy’.

But that’s not the only one. There seems to be a whole new generation of spammers out there. As far as I can see, they love absurdist language and abstract comedy. Not only do they send you emails packed so tightly with viruses that it seems that it’s inhumane, but they send you meaningless drivel like “of Them it is YOU I think of Mum said Teapot Happiness.” And if you’re thinking of doing a double-take to try and actually make sense of that sentence… just… don’t bother.

One spammer, though, did catch my eye and almost made me fall in love in an instant. There was creativity, geek appeal, and a certain amount of panache in the email, and it was only made better by the phrase “JESUS TO STAR IN NEW BATMAN MOVIE. CLICK HERE FOR MORE DETAILS.”

Obviously, the link was full of viruses. But the thought of Jesus playing Batman!? That, my friends, was completely worth it.

But the moral of this story is to always keep your antivirus fully updated and running, keep your computer patched and updated, and the number one rule of life: if it looks suspicious, it probably is.

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