NUS Elections: Pointless.

It’s the evening of the first of March 2012, and the Student’s Union at Teesside University is at fever pitch. A group of students, with steely glints in their eyes, slogans pasted on every part of their anatomy, and enough leaflets in their hands to run a recycling plant at full capacity, keep look out like hungry vultures eyeballing some prey. From a distance, they seem pleasant and without any agenda. Walk through the gauntlet they’ve set up, however, and they squawk like a gaggle of geese faced with a floundering fish.

“Have you voted yet!? Have you voted!? You really should vote! Democracy is great, you know,” they honk and plead, thrusting their torsos and leaflets in your face, giving you an eyeful of countless, yet ultimately futile slogans. These little soundbites are apparently the work of campaign teams, consisting of countless amounts of creative people, but you’d swear that they were haphazardly knocked up by a drunken man in a shed.

Of course, if you hadn’t guessed, these are NUS elections. Given the fact that campaign slogans have been hurriedly scrawled on different pieces of apparel using jumbo marker pens, and that campaign leaflets have been designed using the ever-primitive Microsoft Paint, it’s no secret that the people at the helm of these operations are poor, struggling students. One candidate, who seems to have forgotten that he’s only running for Education Officer, wants to improve relations with foreign countries –so you might want to expect a delivery of Chinese pandas to Middlesbrough in the very near future. The fervour that surrounds these votes and elections, however, surpasses that which accompanies the elections that decide who governs the UK.

It’s a rather strange phenomenon. These are the same people who, for eleven months out of the year, suffer from chronic voter apathy. “I don’t do politics,” they chime, with a smile that contains an abundance of ignorance. Shove the acronym ‘NUS’ in front of the term ‘president’, and they suddenly turn into democracy divas; willing to do almost anything [including take their clothes off on stage] for your vote. It would be adorable and admirable if ‘real-life’ MPs and party leaders took campaigning with such an exuberant attitude.

Just imagine the general election in 2015. David Cameron would be standing outside your local polling booth, scantily clad, in only a thin, white tank-top, and blue skinny jeans. “Don’t Be Gory, Vote Tory!” his placard would say, as he looks longingly at you. Ed Miliband, however, would attempt to take the talented approach. Not only would he torrent an illegal copy of PhotoShop to design a higher quality campaign leaflet, but he would plan to ride a unicycle round the polling station, whilst heckling passers- by to vote. Nick Clegg, in a bid to regain some popularity, would hang out in the local bar, offering to buy everyone drinks, and slipping patrons campaign leaflets designed using word-art, saying “David and Ed are rats, vote Liberal Democrat”. This is a very simple, and beautiful image, right?

Wrong. It’s disgusting, desperate, and just a little pathetic. But it’s what goes on every year at these elections. Polls are closing tonight, thankfully. Being a forward thinker, though, I can already see the candidates doing the same thing next year. There will be the same gaggle of geese, same gauntlet to run, but with different faces, and slightly worse slogans.

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Three cardinal sins of the student kitchen

Recently, in an attempt to become even more of a skint-flint, perhaps even impress my peers, and maybe even seek out an alternative career path, I’ve attempted to spend more time in the kitchen. As a teenager who has grown up in the ‘microwave era’, I’ve been used to limiting my cuisine to several three-minute wonders, including those infamous Chicago Town pizzas, macaroni and cheese from Marks and Spencer, and some items from Iceland that I am still yet to identify, and can still feel clunking through my digestive system one year later. After getting sicker and sicker of the limited choices in the microwave aisles of several supermarkets, I decided to pluck up the courage, and pick up a frying pan. Of course, as many will say, practise makes perfect, and through my many attempts at dinner and lunch, though still being far from perfect, I have learnt quite a few kitchen clues and cues.

Sin one: Acting like you’re on the BBC

Come on, admit it- we’ve all done it at some point. Whether it’s in the style of Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey, or even the legend himself, Ainsley Harriot; you cannot deny that, at least once in your life, you have pretended to be the host of a cookery show, dancing around your kitchen. I must admit that I, too, have been partial to attempting some sultry Nigella-esque looks-to-camera, but I realised my mistake when I recorded myself and realised that I only looked as sexy as her father.
All in all, talking to yourself or a pretend audience, when making your din-dins, is a recipe for disaster- not only do you look like you may have a couple of disorders, but you take the risk of allowing your creation to slowly burn to the point of cremation within your oven, as you deliver a heartfelt monologue about how the recipe was handed to you by a relative on their deathbed.

Sin two: Loving experimentation more than a fat kid loves cake
Don’t get me wrong- experimenting and goofing around in the kitchen is always welcome, and can often result in some spectacular combinations and concoctions. It can’t be denied, however, that there are some things that are best left on the separate sides of the kitchen. I would recommend, for instance, that you strongly avoid trying to mix marmite and ice cream, and fight off the urge to become Britain’s Ben’n’Jerry; combining several wacky flavours that could easily end up putting someone in the intensive care unit of the local hospital.
If the thought of severely endangering someone’s life is not enough to stop you from such mad culinary experiments, I’d like to remind you that success is not a guarantee of a great reputation. For example: milk is a great ‘invention’, and is something that we use all day, every day. We would most likely be unable to hold our lives together without it. But the question does still remain: what was the man who first milked a cow actually trying to do!? While your kitchen adventures may not carry the same disgusting undertone as a bestiality attempt gone-wrong, they could still leave a bitter taste in the mouths of the eaters.

Sin three: It’s all beans
Baked beans have long been the staple cuisine of the red-faced student, and can often be spotted in the lower-left cupboard that occupies a vast amount of their habitat. However, while they may seem to be the only item that may serve as prey for the ravenous higher-education attendee, this is a massive mistake.
This final sin consists of a plea, and that is a plea for you to diversify your cooking, even though you’re probably scared of setting off all of the fire alarms in your student accommodation block, engulfing the building in flames, and burning food to the point of it being a carcinogenic crisp. Just a new ingredient here, and a new cooking method there will allow you to create some fabulous recipes, and you could even take the opportunity to create some dishes that you never thought you could ever make. The main lesson here is to have fun. Cooking’s not all about enjoying a nice meal- it’s about enjoying the experience, and learning skills that will turn you into great house-owners in the years to come.

Take these lessons with you, and you’ll be cookin’ on gas.

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