NUS Elections: Pointless.

It’s the evening of the first of March 2012, and the Student’s Union at Teesside University is at fever pitch. A group of students, with steely glints in their eyes, slogans pasted on every part of their anatomy, and enough leaflets in their hands to run a recycling plant at full capacity, keep look out like hungry vultures eyeballing some prey. From a distance, they seem pleasant and without any agenda. Walk through the gauntlet they’ve set up, however, and they squawk like a gaggle of geese faced with a floundering fish.

“Have you voted yet!? Have you voted!? You really should vote! Democracy is great, you know,” they honk and plead, thrusting their torsos and leaflets in your face, giving you an eyeful of countless, yet ultimately futile slogans. These little soundbites are apparently the work of campaign teams, consisting of countless amounts of creative people, but you’d swear that they were haphazardly knocked up by a drunken man in a shed.

Of course, if you hadn’t guessed, these are NUS elections. Given the fact that campaign slogans have been hurriedly scrawled on different pieces of apparel using jumbo marker pens, and that campaign leaflets have been designed using the ever-primitive Microsoft Paint, it’s no secret that the people at the helm of these operations are poor, struggling students. One candidate, who seems to have forgotten that he’s only running for Education Officer, wants to improve relations with foreign countries –so you might want to expect a delivery of Chinese pandas to Middlesbrough in the very near future. The fervour that surrounds these votes and elections, however, surpasses that which accompanies the elections that decide who governs the UK.

It’s a rather strange phenomenon. These are the same people who, for eleven months out of the year, suffer from chronic voter apathy. “I don’t do politics,” they chime, with a smile that contains an abundance of ignorance. Shove the acronym ‘NUS’ in front of the term ‘president’, and they suddenly turn into democracy divas; willing to do almost anything [including take their clothes off on stage] for your vote. It would be adorable and admirable if ‘real-life’ MPs and party leaders took campaigning with such an exuberant attitude.

Just imagine the general election in 2015. David Cameron would be standing outside your local polling booth, scantily clad, in only a thin, white tank-top, and blue skinny jeans. “Don’t Be Gory, Vote Tory!” his placard would say, as he looks longingly at you. Ed Miliband, however, would attempt to take the talented approach. Not only would he torrent an illegal copy of PhotoShop to design a higher quality campaign leaflet, but he would plan to ride a unicycle round the polling station, whilst heckling passers- by to vote. Nick Clegg, in a bid to regain some popularity, would hang out in the local bar, offering to buy everyone drinks, and slipping patrons campaign leaflets designed using word-art, saying “David and Ed are rats, vote Liberal Democrat”. This is a very simple, and beautiful image, right?

Wrong. It’s disgusting, desperate, and just a little pathetic. But it’s what goes on every year at these elections. Polls are closing tonight, thankfully. Being a forward thinker, though, I can already see the candidates doing the same thing next year. There will be the same gaggle of geese, same gauntlet to run, but with different faces, and slightly worse slogans.

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Three cardinal sins of the student kitchen

Recently, in an attempt to become even more of a skint-flint, perhaps even impress my peers, and maybe even seek out an alternative career path, I’ve attempted to spend more time in the kitchen. As a teenager who has grown up in the ‘microwave era’, I’ve been used to limiting my cuisine to several three-minute wonders, including those infamous Chicago Town pizzas, macaroni and cheese from Marks and Spencer, and some items from Iceland that I am still yet to identify, and can still feel clunking through my digestive system one year later. After getting sicker and sicker of the limited choices in the microwave aisles of several supermarkets, I decided to pluck up the courage, and pick up a frying pan. Of course, as many will say, practise makes perfect, and through my many attempts at dinner and lunch, though still being far from perfect, I have learnt quite a few kitchen clues and cues.

Sin one: Acting like you’re on the BBC

Come on, admit it- we’ve all done it at some point. Whether it’s in the style of Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey, or even the legend himself, Ainsley Harriot; you cannot deny that, at least once in your life, you have pretended to be the host of a cookery show, dancing around your kitchen. I must admit that I, too, have been partial to attempting some sultry Nigella-esque looks-to-camera, but I realised my mistake when I recorded myself and realised that I only looked as sexy as her father.
All in all, talking to yourself or a pretend audience, when making your din-dins, is a recipe for disaster- not only do you look like you may have a couple of disorders, but you take the risk of allowing your creation to slowly burn to the point of cremation within your oven, as you deliver a heartfelt monologue about how the recipe was handed to you by a relative on their deathbed.

Sin two: Loving experimentation more than a fat kid loves cake
Don’t get me wrong- experimenting and goofing around in the kitchen is always welcome, and can often result in some spectacular combinations and concoctions. It can’t be denied, however, that there are some things that are best left on the separate sides of the kitchen. I would recommend, for instance, that you strongly avoid trying to mix marmite and ice cream, and fight off the urge to become Britain’s Ben’n’Jerry; combining several wacky flavours that could easily end up putting someone in the intensive care unit of the local hospital.
If the thought of severely endangering someone’s life is not enough to stop you from such mad culinary experiments, I’d like to remind you that success is not a guarantee of a great reputation. For example: milk is a great ‘invention’, and is something that we use all day, every day. We would most likely be unable to hold our lives together without it. But the question does still remain: what was the man who first milked a cow actually trying to do!? While your kitchen adventures may not carry the same disgusting undertone as a bestiality attempt gone-wrong, they could still leave a bitter taste in the mouths of the eaters.

Sin three: It’s all beans
Baked beans have long been the staple cuisine of the red-faced student, and can often be spotted in the lower-left cupboard that occupies a vast amount of their habitat. However, while they may seem to be the only item that may serve as prey for the ravenous higher-education attendee, this is a massive mistake.
This final sin consists of a plea, and that is a plea for you to diversify your cooking, even though you’re probably scared of setting off all of the fire alarms in your student accommodation block, engulfing the building in flames, and burning food to the point of it being a carcinogenic crisp. Just a new ingredient here, and a new cooking method there will allow you to create some fabulous recipes, and you could even take the opportunity to create some dishes that you never thought you could ever make. The main lesson here is to have fun. Cooking’s not all about enjoying a nice meal- it’s about enjoying the experience, and learning skills that will turn you into great house-owners in the years to come.

Take these lessons with you, and you’ll be cookin’ on gas.

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AV Explained

THE POLITICAL BIT

As most people know, the people United Kingdom went to the polls yesterday, both to vote on the parties that controlled their councils, and to choose a voting system to be used in future elections where MPs are selected to represent their constituencies in the House of Commons.

Being someone who has yearned for a true democratic voting system for a while now, AV is a change that I would welcome with open arms. Even though it's just a small step in the direction of true Proportional Representation voting system, it's still the right way to go.

However, it seems that the "No to AV"/ "I Can't Believe It's Not Tory" campaign's constant streams of fear-mongering, and blatant lying [something that was admitted by David Blunkett], seem to have resounded into the hearts and mind of the electorate, and it looks as though AV won't be implemented for a while. Many people, too, have chosen just to vote no in order to deal a scathing blow to Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, who, I feel, has become a scapegoat, and is being blamed for items of legislation that are simply out of his control. In fact, many Labour supporters have come out to say that Nick Clegg's association with the YES campaign meant that they'd be a loser from the start. What an incredibly funny comment from the same people who promised that they'd install some form of proportional representation all those years ago. That, as we can see, never happened, and Britain didn't even have a referendum on voting systems- another Blair lie that was fed to the masses in this country, just to be a votewinner.

However, the status of the parties and how I feel about the public treatment of Nick Clegg is another matter for another blog post- so here's the bit I planned to come onto in the first place.

THE 'EVERYONE' BIT

As I said above, the "No to AV" campaign has spread dozens of lies and smears, using the same Tory tactics that allowed David Cameron to become Prime Minister in the first place. These lies seem to have got to several people, and I fear that these lies, as well as some other misconceptions, have damaged the YES campaign altogether. Although there are tonnes of videos on youtube, by the electoral commission, by several pressure groups, and one even involving "Reform Cat" [for those who are really into their memes], I thought I'd do my bit, both as a Lib Dem member and a supporter of fairer votes [even though it's a tad late] to clarify some of these thoughts about AV.

AV is the most complicated system that's ever been heard of in the world. Ever.

False. Quoting from my twitter, "AV is just the right amount of complicated- where normal people can understand it, but Tories can't." There isn't really any mind-bending statistics or procedures that anyone needs to get their head around, even though the "No to AV" campaign wants you to think so.

You, on polling day, would go to your polling station and pick up your ballot paper as normal. Instead of writing an "X" in the box of the one candidate that you want to represent you, you use numbers to mark the candidates in order of preference. So you mark a "1" for the candidate you want as first preference, a "2" for your second

preference, and so on until you get to your fifth preference.

Obviously, you can stop when YOU want to, and you don't need to mark all five choices. If you want, you can even just mark your first choice, and leave the polling station.

After this, your job is done.

When the votes are counted, counters will see if any candidate has at least 50% of the first preference vote in order to win. If no candidate has 50%, then counting continues, and the second preference votes are counted. If a candidate still hasn't got 50% of the vote, counting continues on the third preference votes, and so on and so forth until someone gets over 50%.

This means that the majority get fairly represented, and we don't get typical FPTP drawbacks, including tyranny of the minority.

AV will be extremely expensive to implement

False. Ballots will still be counted by hand, and will use the same method as First Past The Post. There is no expensive equipment needed, or specialist people who can somehow read numbers instead of Xs.

AV wouldn't be helpful to me because I haven't got more than one choice

False. If you haven't got more than one choice, or you don't want to mark more than one choice, you don't have to. You can feel free to mark a number "1" next to your chosen candidate, fold your paper, and place it in the ballot box, if you wish.

AV would result in a coalition government every time.

False. Despite that dim-witted quote from Tory MP and chick-lit author Louise Bagshawe on "Have I Got News For You" the other week, this simply isn't true. Although there may be a slightly higher chance of coalition governments, it certainly won't happen every time, and the chance isn't raised by much.

No-one cares about the voting system, anyway, duh.

False. While I'm a bit of a politics geek, and have adored looking into this sort of thing from the age of 10, it's not just me. Louise Bagshawe, who, again, must be some sort of spiritual guide for village idiots everywhere, seemed to show a notion of no-one caring on her TV appearance. 50% of Scottish people turned out for the referendum- I hardly think that shows apathy...

The AV system will allow the BNP, and several other right-wing, weirdo-parties to come into power.

False. AV does not automatically allow the BNP party to get into power and use their malicious ways to change the country. Don't forget that a candidate needs a MAJORITY to get elected. The BNP currently have no MPs, and has been losing council seats, judging by the figures from yesterday's vote. So it seems as though the BNP would lack the necessary support that it would need under the AV system.

AV is a fairer system that reflects the majority's interests

True. As I said above, a candidate needs over 50% of the vote to win.

So there we have it. I hope I've dispelled a few myths and taught a lesson. At the time of writing, it seems as though the YES campaign hasn't done the trick, and once again the Tories have managed to lie their way to victory, rendering this 1000+ word blog post useless. So once again Britain can kiss goodbye to rose-tinted dreams of steps towards Proportional Representation. If anyone knows how I'd be able to autopost this again when Britain has another referendum on AV in the year 3067, drop me a line.

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CONservative posters

Hi everyone! If you're going by my past posts, you're probably expecting me to rant on about NBC's late night situation, and get all mad about some old guy who's spouting a load of bollocks. But I think Jay Leno can wait for a night.

Today, I come bearing political gifts. Those readers from Britain will know that we're facing an election. David Cameron, leader of the Conservative party, had a poster campaign that was lampooned so much that he quickly became the laughing stock of Whitehall [for readers who are Brown haters- don't worry- Gordon will ALWAYS keep his position as Court Jester].

There's a site on the internet where you can create your own versions of the David Cameron poster [Clickety Click!] . This is probably the most awesome website I've come across in a long while. Enjoy it, and have fun- I certainly did. Here are some things I made earlier [click on the images to see the full size versions- ENJOY!]:

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Pat Robertson? Spouts more BULLCRAP than Robert Pattinson.

Now, you're probably sitting there going: "Hmm, Ravi, didn't you talk about Pat Robertson yesterday?"

And the answer to that, of course, is yes I did.

"So why are you talking about him again, Ravi?"

Well I will tell you.

THE BASTARD INFURIATES ME.

Now, I'm not one to bear a grudge, and I hate hating those who are undeserving of it. But this man [who in my eyes, really isn't much of a man at all] is a complete and utter DOUCHE. Now, those of you who know me well, know that I call myself a douche on a regular basis out of truth. But for crying out loud, this man is something else! Who else has the dimwittedness to go on a social networking site, and call himself "God's Best Friend™"!? That's right, you read that completely correctly. WITH a trademark. And not only that, he nominated HIMSELF for a "shortyaward" [see printscreen].

He then preceded to followfriday HIMSELF. I don't think that I've ever seen someone so narcissistic, egocentric, and CRAZY in my entire life.

And if that [along with yesterday's rant] is not enough, he seems to take extreme glory in being a racist, a sexist, and a staunch republican. Didn't the bible say that man was made in gods image, and that everyone is made equal? Either "God's best friend" can't read; or he won't be the "best friend" any more. Instead of me rabitting on about how much I hate this rank douchebag, here are a selection of his tweets [Plus a retort of mine that I thought wasn't too bad]. I hope you feel as insulted and infuriated as I did.

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Blasphemy Laws!? Christ on a bike!

Last Friday, as we all know, beckoned in the new year for us all. A new year, a new decade- but more importantly, in Ireland- a new law.
Of course, laws are made all the time, and a government can never please everyone. However, this law has caused substantial unrest, and I for one, feel that opposition is justified.
It has now been made illegal to blaspheme in Ireland. Illegal to the tone of a €23,562 fine, in fact.
As a fan of comedy, it's impossible to not see the irony in this case. If I'm frank, even someone with the sense of humour of a boiled gnat would see the funny side of this. Atheist Ireland, who (rightfully, in my opinion) challenged the law, decided to publish 25 quotes, that would contravene the new law. One of the quotes was from that oh-so-racially-intolerant, god-hating SWINE...


... Jesus Christ. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently Jesus Christ (who may or may not have featured a tiny bit in the bible- I forget), was a blasphemous figure. Surely, the Irish Government must have realised that SOMETHING was going wrong when they (potentially) had to arrest someone for a BLASPHEMY law for quoting JESUS.

Obviously, though, the largest ironic part of this, is the fact that the Irish government wants to control what the public say, when their own MP's have recently become internationally infamous for using "unparliamentary language" while parliament's in session.

Blasphemy laws? To hell with 'em!

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