TechTalk: Xiaomi M2/Mi2 Full Review

After unboxing my Xiaomi M2 a while ago, and after having a few weeks to play around with it and use it as my daily driver, I’m finally able to compile a review of this quad-core beast.

The outside /  device tour

Firstly, before I show you around the operating system and software on the phone, let's concentrate on the outside of the phone. It's the first thing you see when you open the box, and the thing that'll probably be the element that you attempt to attract your friends with.

Here's the front of the phone: it features a 4.3 inch IPS, 'retina' display. Just below it are capacitive touch buttons, used to perform the stock Android features: menu, back, and home. These touch buttons are covered with some sort of silver film [underneath the screen], so they're reflective in the light, but don't light up in the dark. If you're looking for a phone that you can use very well in the dark, this might not be it [though, if you've got a lock-screen like I have (which you'll see later), you'll be able to use it as a reference point as to where the buttons are]. Just underneath the home button is a small LED light which you can use to alert you of different notifications.

Just above the screen are the Xiaomi logo [on the left hand side], light and proximity sensors [next to the logo], the earpiece that you hear calls through [just next to and above the sensors], and the 2.1 megapixel front facing camera [on the right hand side].

Here's the right hand side of the phone:

Those two silver things are the power button [smaller sliver thing] and volume rocker [longer silver thing]. When the phone is off, pressing a combination of these can be used to boot the phone into recovery mode. When the phone is on, the power button can be used to either lock or power-off the phone, and the volume rocker can [obviously] be used to control the volume. Pressing power + volume down will also take a screenshot, which is a handy little feature. I first thought that the power button was in a great place, but if you put a cover on the phone, it becomes a bit difficult to find, so covers with cut-outs for the buttons are a must!

The top of the phone features a 3.5mm headphone jack, and nothing else [and I figured you didn't need a picture of a 3.5mm hole in a bit of plastic].

The left side of the phone has no buttons or particularly distinguishing features.

The bottom of the phone features a micro-usb socket [which can be used to charge the phone, used with an MHL cable to connect to an HD TV, used with a USB OTG cable to connect pen-drives and other removable storage, or used to connect the phone to the PC], a small mic [used when you're in a phone call], and a small lanyard hole [just in case you want to attach a wrist strap, or a neck strap. Though at 145 grams, you might want to just stick with it being in your pocket].

The back of the phone features a very shiny Xiaomi logo at the bottom of it, with the URL of Xiaomi's website underneath it [I'm not personally sure how I feel about a URL being on the product. I'm sure 'Xiaomi' would have been enough]. Near the top you can see the rear speaker grille [used when you divert calls to loudspeaker, or listen to music or the FM Radio out loud], the 8 mega-pixel rear-facing camera,  an LED flash, and a rear-facing mic in order to make the most of the phone's EarSmart technology [which cuts down on the amount of background noise heard during a call]. 

Now we've had a look round the outside of the phone, let's take the back cover off. Taking the cover off is quite a job in itself. Much like the Nokia phones of old, there's no fancy latch mechanism or ergonomic way of opening this device; the only thing you can do is attempt to get your nail in in the crack [whoah, innuendo city], and gently prise it open. I've decided to shoot a short video of me getting the back open. This is about the third or fourth time I've done it, and it gets easier every time, but you probably won't be able to do it with freshly-cut nails. Note that the volume and power buttons are built into the back case - this is a fantastic piece of design, and means that if you're having any trouble with them, you can just replace them by buying another case. 

[N.B. Ignore the product placement for a brand of masala tea in the background. It didn't taste that great.]

Once you get the back open, however, you can get access to the big, bright, orange, 2000mAh battery [just in case the phone completely freezes and you need a way of restarting it], and the SIM card [this phone takes the normal size of SIM, and not a micro-SIM].

Key dimension specs:

126 x 62 x 10.2mm [4.96 x 2.44 x 0.40 inches]

Overall:

Some videos tend to make the phone look rather cheap, and the plastic back doesn't tend to look very photogenic. Hold it in your hand, however, and the phone seems to be built very well. There are no rattles [as of yet], and everything seems to be very solidly and tightly packaged. The phone has a decent weight to it, and feels as it is of premium quality.

The software and operating system / how it functions

Boot up and smoothness

So that's most of the hardware and the 'outers' dealt with. Let's take a look at the software.

As I said in my unboxing post, this is definitely a complete beast of a phone, which can be put down to the quad-core CPU, and the incredibly smoothness of the MIUI operating system. Even flicking around the home-screens is a joy on this device - everything seems to flow incredibly well.

If you're a business user, you'll probably want a phone that starts up quickly, just so you can get straight back to checking your emails as soon as you've left your latest meeting and turned your phone back on. Here's a video of the bootup process and times that you'll be expecting, and a video of me flicking around the home-screens for the fun of it [have I mentioned how much of a joy that is!?]: 

Of course, boot is not instantaneous by any means, and there are other phones out there that could completely blitz this one in terms of boot time. But if you're coming from a relatively old BlackBerry curve, you'll be happy that you won't have to turn this phone on roughly a day before you actually need to use it [N.B. I've got nothing against BlackBerrys... I love them -  but the boot process was incredibly slow and frustrating. I am, however, excited for BlackBerry 10 - but that's another story for another day]. 

As a result of the power of the phone, it runs games like Dead Trigger, Riptide GP, Temple Run, and Zombie Highway without fault.

Apps and games - this phone runs them all without a hitch.

Screen

The screen is very light and bright. Colours pop and are extremely vivid, and text comes across as being incredibly sharp. The only issue with the screen, however, is the brightness. While the screen does look fantastic when the brightness is pushed up to the max, it is a serious drain on battery-life, especially if you're using it often. Switch on the auto-brightness feature to save a bit of battery, and the screen develops a slight flicker, and is quite slow to respond to high-light conditions, meaning that you can't really see much until it adjusts. 

MIUI features

The reading feature in action

MIUI [the tweaked and skinned version of Android that comes with this phone; and a ROM that can be installed an many other devices] is a fantastic operating system [have I mentioned how smooth it is and how much I love flicking through the home-screens? Oh... I have. Oh dear]. It comes with a multitude of cool features -  It features a fantastic call-recording feature, which I have already put to good use; it includes a handy 'reading' feature on the browser which makes long articles even easier to read, and the original Chinese ROM comes with a siri-esque voice assistant [though it only understands Mandarin or Cantonese - I'm not sure which]. The good news, for all the safety-conscious or scared-of-the-dark individuals out there, is that MIUI also comes with a built in LED torch, which can be triggered either by opening the app, or by holding down the home button on the lockscreen.

The place where MIUI comes into its own, though, is customisation. Through the theme-store, users can select different looks and feels for their device, allowing them to show off something new every day, should they wish to. Of course, if you're looking for a bit more of a 'stock Android' feel, you can, with a bit of technical know-how, flash stock Android Jellybean to this phone.

The Camera

The 8 megapixel rear-facing camera isn't a slouch, and creates very sharp images. The 'tap-to-focus' part of the camera interface works very well [and can even achieve some low-level 'depth-of-focus' effects if you use it right], though the camera itself can take a little while to focus, and tends not to give an accurate representation of the level of flash it will use when actually capturing a photo. Low light images, unfortunately, do generate a fair amount of noise, but not enough to stop you from seeing what you've captured. Being a modern smartphone, of course, if the camera's not doing exactly what you like, you can install a plethora of apps to make sure that you get the photos you want. Not that you'll need them, of course, with MIUI's massive amounts of customisable camera features, which include [but are not limited to]: a voice-activated shutter [so you can clap or whistle to take a photo and don't need to fumble around trying to find any particular button], an HDR feature, and tools to adjust facial recognition and ISO. By default the camera isn't set up to shoot in its highest quality, but turning these settings up does tend to slow down the time it takes to actually capture a photo once you've hit the shutter button.

Videos can be captured in 1080p and also seem to look very good indeed. The sound that is captured by the mic[s?], however, is a little weird and sounds like a webstream that's being presented in low quality, so if you're using the camera for anything 'professional', you may want to record audio with an external mic. There is the option to record in several modes [including, for instance, black and white or sepia] so you can reduce the time it takes to edit your clips afterwards.

Overall

Upsides

• A very fast, smooth interface, and most [if not all] apps run without a problem.
• MIUI has some pretty nifty features
• The customisation features of MIUI and Android mean that you can tailor this phone to your liking.
• An active community of developers mean that there are updates to MIUI every week
• The Xiaomi Mi2 is available in 16gb or 32gb capacities
• There are a wide range of accessories and back covers available.
• The ability to under- or over-clock the phone based on how much power or battery-life you wish to use.
• The removable battery and the removable back cover, in my mind, gives it a distinct advantage over the LG/Google Nexus 4.
• The FM radio. Simply because it's a cool feature to have, it's great to be entertained with on long journeys, and my dad would have been besotted with it.

Downsides

• Battery life - you could probably squeeze just about two days out of this phone's 1000 mAh battery if you've got the screen brightness on low, radios being used to a minimum, and only actively using it for around half an hour a day. Though, with a removable battery, you could always carry a spare around with you.
• No MicroSD - personally this isn't a biggie for me [especially since it has USB OTG capabilities], but some may rue the fact that the phone has no MicroSD card slot.
• No LTE - again, this is not a big deal for me, and this phone is still very fast on HSPA+, but some may wish to go even faster than that!
• No real international support - Xiaomi is a Chinese company and [at time of writing] only supplies China with its products. To that end, if you end up having any real technical difficulties with your device, you're going to have to either pray that you find someone who knows their way round these phones, or use the warranty scheme that your seller offered with the phone [if applicable, and if you're covered by the terms and conditions of it].
• Reliability - I, personally, have had no problems with my device, but others have reported yellow-ish screens, dead pixels, and problems with the WiFi chips.
• 
  

To sum up:

This is, once again, a beautiful but beastly phone. It's fast, but this can sometimes come at the expense of battery life, but for the price, you'd be a fool to miss out on this phone. After Xiaomi have had such success with this phone, one can only salivate at the prospect of the Xiaomi Mi3, which, all being well, should be announced at some point this year.

Acknowledgements

Thanks, again, to ibuygou for shipping out the phone and making the buying process easy! From what I've seen in my email inbox, they've been running a few deals on Xiaomi Mi2s, and you might be able to get one at a very low price!

Thanks also to MIUIAndroid for translating the MIUI ROM into flawless English, and allowing us all to make the most of Xiaomi and Miui!

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TechTalk: Xiaomi Mi2/M2 First Impressions

The background info, yada, yada, yada.

Being rather nerdy and being someone who takes massive enjoyment out of this rapidly moving era of technology, I've had my sights on a new phone for quite a while. My old and trusty BlackBerry Torch 9800 [bought after a bit of luck on a bingo game] blinked its last LED notification, and I was forced to use my dad's old phone, a BlackBerry Curve, as my temporary daily driver. Despite the fact that I love BlackBerry devices [and my excitement for the BlackBerry 10 devices that are due to come out next year], I figured it was time for a change, and a time to really calm this Android envy that I've had for quite a long time.

After months [well... actually, days. Okay, fine, hours] of looking around on the internet, I finally decided that my next phone would be a phone from China. Now, usually, the phrase 'phone from China' should be met with a little bit of caution. Scout around in some of the dark and dank corners of the web, and you'll usually be offered a selection of dual-sim, cheaply-built iPhone rip-offs, all running a version of Android that was designed and built around the time of the Stone Age, with names such as ePhone, or SciPhone, or SkyPhone, or any other rhymes or puns that a Sun journalist would be pleased to churn out.

My new phone, however, and I've stressed this many times to my roommate, is a proper Chinese phone. It's made by Xiaomi, a manufacturer that is quickly but proficiently climbing up the ranks, and generating a huge amount of press around the globe. Their first offering, the Xiaomi M1/Mi1 was a massive success, and earlier this year they launched the Xiaomi M2/Mi2, a phone with a quad-core processor, and a new version of their Android-based MIUI [pronounced Me-Yoo-Eye] operating system. The rather impressive specs, coupled with a cheap price, ensured that this was going to be my next, shiny, new device.

Receiving the phone [the pre-main bit].

After waiting for the phone for months on end [and having pre-ordered from quite a few sources - some more reliable than others], my Xiaomi M2 finally arrived, courtesy of ibuygou.com. Naturally, I had been a bit scared. Some Chinese traders not only clone iPhones, but also clone Xiaomi's phones too, conning foreigners out of hundreds of pounds or dollars into buying a device that wasn't real. Thankfully, I received the real deal.

As the phone doesn't come with expandable storage via MicroSD card [but does offer USB-OTG support], I opted for the 32GB model, rather than the 16GB model, which I was anxious about filling up so quickly. In the box, as agreed with a sales rep from ibuygou, I also received a screen protector and cover for the device - I'm notorious for being a bit tough on my phones, and didn't want to see it live such a short life.

After a quick setup [though there was a bit of faffing about with keyboard settings that wouldn't let me type originally], the phone was on, working, had already put a smile on my face, and was kitted out with my tradition Christmas live wallpaper.

First Impressions [the actual main bit]

From the back, the phone looks like it's taken and mixed design cues from the Samsung Galaxy SIII, and the Meizu MX. From the front, people keep telling me that it looks like an iPhone. I personally hate that comparison, but if it helps you visualise it [why would you need to? There are pictures!] then go ahead.

Pictures and videos tend to make it seem as though it's flimsy, but in the hand it feels well-built, and has a bit of weight to it.

In short, performance wise, this phone is FAST. The graphics are smooth, games work flawlessly, the camera is unsettlingly good [I'm considering plastic surgery because the HD quality of the video is showing me up], and the customisation options within the MIUI rom are fantastic. I've had a little trouble with the keyboard, but that's more of an issue with me adapting to a fully-touchscreen device, and I'm getting better and better by the day. The one downside I have seen so far, though, is battery life. Whilst Xiaomi is going to release [or has released?] a bigger battery for the phone, the stock battery is just so easily drained with moderate usage - it's like taking a machine gun into a war to find out that you've only got three bullets to use. Still, though, the M2 has a major point in its favour for having a removable battery, in contrast with the Nexus 4, which, in my mind, is its major competitor.

Hopefully, if time permits, I'll update all of this with a full review video before the Christmas holiday ends. But they do say that you should never need a second chance at a first impression, and this phone certainly doesn't.

Acknowledgements and notes

• Thanks to ibuygou for being awesome when it came to selling and shipping this phone. 
• I've installed the MIUIAndroid rom onto the device. MIUIAndroid are a team of developers that translate the MIUI rom into flawless English [the stock rom is a bit dodgy when it comes to their translation], and their rom works fantastically, and they have a great community! Go check them out!

More pictures

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Book Review: The Drought - Steven Scaffardi

First off, I should probably start off by admitting that, in this case, the title "book review" is a misnomer. No, I haven't sunk so low as to ignore the old adage "don't judge a book by its cover," but I did [somewhat reluctantly] manage to struggle through the first chapter of this novel.

Having been a member of goodreads for quite a while, I am always happy to receive new recommendations on what books to add to my ever-creaking shelves next. While I usually stick to reading other people's reviews, I was met with an interesting proposition, when stand-up comedian and author [and I use those terms loosely] Steven Scaffardi, offered me the chance to download and read his latest lad-lit offering "The Drought" for completely free.

Of course, being a stingy student, and a keen fan of the lad-lit genre [which is basically chick-lit but for guys, if you couldn't guess], I would've been a fool to say no, especially to someone who had been compared to previous authors I have read, such as Matt Dunn and Mike Gayle. Before downloading any free material, however, I decided to read the first chapter of the book that appears free-to-view on Scaffardi's blog.



Long story short, The Drought is about Dan Hilles, a fallen Casanova whose charm has gone MIA, resulting in a long period of sexual inactivity. Throughout the novel, he calls upon several friends to ensure that he gets his mojo back and the magic happening. Well, he does if you can get that far into the book, anyway.

Despite being familiar with the genre, and not exactly loathing the premise, I could not be won over by Scaffardi's first chapter at all. The writing style, whilst not entirely off-putting, isn't conducive to humour at all, and simply makes the reader feel as if they're wading through treacle to get to a punchline. The punchlines themselves, once you've found them, really aren't that special anyway, resulting in a mild 'heh', rather than the big, belly, Brian Blessed-esque laughs that can be generated from most other books in the genre. [But, of course, humour is subjective, so others may take to Steven Scaffardi's jokes like a duck to water.]

Dan Hilles is portrayed as a clumsy, yet well meaning person when it comes to love. In many ways, he could be The Big Bang Theory's Howard Wolowitz crossed with Mr Bean. Unfortunately, however, he has the humour of a funeral on a wet Wednesday. His mishaps don't, unfortunately, cause the reader to feel any sympathy for him, as he comes across as a bit of a sex-crazed douchebag [for lack of a better phrase].

At the end of the day, The Drought is exactly that: dry, boring, and seemingly never-ending. From the first, utterly mind-numbing sentence [which stirs up about as much intrigue as finding a twig in a heavily wooded area], the tale [or at least the first chapter] is a work that made me internally scream: "OH FOR GOD'S SAKE. IS THIS FINISHED YET!?"
A fellow reviewer remarked that the book made her cry - I can assure you that you won't be bawling tears of joy at this novel.

RATING: 2/10 - [First chapter only. I might read the rest of it when I have a death wish.]

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Product Review: JML Point'n'Paint

There's one part of painting that particularly resounds with me, and that's "pain". When it comes to decorating a room, I can turn absolutely anything into a Picasso-esque abstract masterpiece.

This summer, feeling rather boisterous, and harbouring a massive burst of unspent creativity, I decided to paint my bedroom. Viewers of my YouTube videos will know that, for the past half-a-decade [at least], my room has been a garish green colour [or, as Dulux called it, "Fruit Fool 2."]

This time, however, I've decided to go the extra mile, and I've resorted to covering my walls in an overbearing blue [or, as Wilkinson call it: "Electric Blue".]

Since my paintbrushes and I are not on speaking terms since our last petty squable [painting the living room white a few years ago], I decided to invest in the item you see above -  the JML Point'n'Paint. According to the wondrous video that's played above these products in stores, you don't need to tape around any fixtures and fittings on your walls, and you can paint an entire room in less than an hour. These claims, however, are probably geared towards people who have an iota of common sense and artistic talent. But how would they fare with your common-ore urban idiot [i.e. me]?
[Find out after the very small jump!]
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JML are usually renowned as a company that hold true to their claims, and make devices and products that actually help consumers out in their own homes. But with the Point'n'Paint, they may have overstretched themselves.

Firstly, while the thought of painting an entire room in less than an hour sounds fantastic, you may want to hold your horses. At best, even while listening to a bunch of uptempo, modern dance songs, you'll probably find that you'll do one wall in about an hour. I'm not sure if the JML marketing department lost the memo on this one, but to be classed as a 'room', something ideally needs to have four walls. That means that, most likely, you'll be spending at least four hours on a room. While that doesn't sound too bad, I'll draw your attention to two of the words in that sentence: "at least". I say "at least" because the Point'n'Paint does not spread the paint evenly across your wall. What tends to happen is that you end up with a massive splodge of paint where you start your stroke, and a massive splodge where you end it, with the bit in between making you wonder which universe all your paint has somehow magically teleported to.

Because of this lack of coverage, not only will you need to add a second and sometimes third coat, but by the time you get to your second coat, you'll be in for a nasty surprise.

JML's products usually have great build quality, but the pads that apply the paint to your walls, however, seem to made out of dandelion clocks, and held together with sweat and spit from the factory floor. After just about holding on for one coat of paint, they lose all friction, tear off the bottom of the pad, and fall to the floor [which, in my case, made it look like a ghost of a Smurf/Na'vi crossbreed].

Of course, this is a fantastic thing for JML, as you need to repeatedly run back to the shops and buy yet another set of pads to paint with. If you listen carefully as it thunks into your basket or trolley, you can hear a cash-register chime and a CEO cackle, somewhere in the direction of JML's head office.

In short, while the JML Point'n'Paint is a good idea for novices like me, it simply does not do the job very well, thanks to its shoddy build quality, and its lack of ability to spread paint properly. Unfortunately, then, it looks like I will have to cancel my application to re-decorate the roof of the Sistine Chapel. It also looks like painting, if you excuse the 'gangsta' turn of phrase, will remain exactly that: "pain ting."

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Motormouth: Does McLaren’s Maximuscle deal open the door for Coca-Cola McLaren Mercedes in 2013?

In recent weeks, rumours have been flying round the internet of Vodafone quitting their sponsorship deal with McLaren Mercedes next year, due, in part, to the worsening economic climate in Europe. Of course, McLaren would need a new title sponsor to plug the gap, and a reported link has been forged with a rather unlikely brand: Coca-Cola. The drinks manufacturer, which is one of the most popular in the world, has recently been warming to the idea of F1 sponsorship, especially as competitors, such as Red Bull and Monster [which, coincidentally, Coca-Cola are looking to purchase], are already well represented in the sport. 

Early on, stumbling blocks for a Coca-Cola/McLaren deal came in the form of GlaxoSmithKline, who hold a highly important technical partnership with the Woking based outfit. GSK manufacture Lucozade, a brand of energy drink that comes in carbonated, non-carbonated, and isotonic forms, and originally chose for Lucozade logos to be placed on the Mclaren cars throughout the first few Grand Prix of the season. Of course, as Coca-Cola make a brand of isotonic sports drink called Powerade, it would not have made sense to enter into an agreement with a team that was committed to displaying the logos and brand of a competitor.

Recently, however, GlaxoSmithKline have opted to use McLaren as a platform to advertise Maximuscle, their brand of protein and bodybuilding products, and have decided that this arrangement is to continue until the end of the 2012 Formula One season. This move by GSK, could allow McLaren, in effect, to make all parties happy: they could make a deal with Coca-Cola in order to become Coca-Cola McLaren Mercedes in 2013, whilst ensuring that their technical partnership with GSK continues, and making sure that the logos of competing brands within the same markets do not appear on the car at the same time.

Of course, this is all speculation, but I’m sure that deal would create a bit of "fizz" that McLaren would be very grateful for.

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NUS Elections: Pointless.

It’s the evening of the first of March 2012, and the Student’s Union at Teesside University is at fever pitch. A group of students, with steely glints in their eyes, slogans pasted on every part of their anatomy, and enough leaflets in their hands to run a recycling plant at full capacity, keep look out like hungry vultures eyeballing some prey. From a distance, they seem pleasant and without any agenda. Walk through the gauntlet they’ve set up, however, and they squawk like a gaggle of geese faced with a floundering fish.

“Have you voted yet!? Have you voted!? You really should vote! Democracy is great, you know,” they honk and plead, thrusting their torsos and leaflets in your face, giving you an eyeful of countless, yet ultimately futile slogans. These little soundbites are apparently the work of campaign teams, consisting of countless amounts of creative people, but you’d swear that they were haphazardly knocked up by a drunken man in a shed.

Of course, if you hadn’t guessed, these are NUS elections. Given the fact that campaign slogans have been hurriedly scrawled on different pieces of apparel using jumbo marker pens, and that campaign leaflets have been designed using the ever-primitive Microsoft Paint, it’s no secret that the people at the helm of these operations are poor, struggling students. One candidate, who seems to have forgotten that he’s only running for Education Officer, wants to improve relations with foreign countries –so you might want to expect a delivery of Chinese pandas to Middlesbrough in the very near future. The fervour that surrounds these votes and elections, however, surpasses that which accompanies the elections that decide who governs the UK.

It’s a rather strange phenomenon. These are the same people who, for eleven months out of the year, suffer from chronic voter apathy. “I don’t do politics,” they chime, with a smile that contains an abundance of ignorance. Shove the acronym ‘NUS’ in front of the term ‘president’, and they suddenly turn into democracy divas; willing to do almost anything [including take their clothes off on stage] for your vote. It would be adorable and admirable if ‘real-life’ MPs and party leaders took campaigning with such an exuberant attitude.

Just imagine the general election in 2015. David Cameron would be standing outside your local polling booth, scantily clad, in only a thin, white tank-top, and blue skinny jeans. “Don’t Be Gory, Vote Tory!” his placard would say, as he looks longingly at you. Ed Miliband, however, would attempt to take the talented approach. Not only would he torrent an illegal copy of PhotoShop to design a higher quality campaign leaflet, but he would plan to ride a unicycle round the polling station, whilst heckling passers- by to vote. Nick Clegg, in a bid to regain some popularity, would hang out in the local bar, offering to buy everyone drinks, and slipping patrons campaign leaflets designed using word-art, saying “David and Ed are rats, vote Liberal Democrat”. This is a very simple, and beautiful image, right?

Wrong. It’s disgusting, desperate, and just a little pathetic. But it’s what goes on every year at these elections. Polls are closing tonight, thankfully. Being a forward thinker, though, I can already see the candidates doing the same thing next year. There will be the same gaggle of geese, same gauntlet to run, but with different faces, and slightly worse slogans.

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Lo Reid’s Hypnotist Show: Low indeed

 

Hypnotism has always been a rather strange phenomenon to me. Although I usually pride myself on not eating up all the junk that my nearest television set throws at me, I’ve been all over the issue of televised hypnotism like a tramp on chips. 

From childhood, I remember shows where hypnotists would conveniently forget to break a spell that they have cast onto unwitting members of the public, resulting in tragic, hectic, but ultimately incredibly humorous effects. Of course, I’ve since realised that hypnotism doesn’t revolve around magic or spells of any sort, and that it is merely the power of suggestion combined with incredible concentration. Be that as it may, hypnotists still receive relatively negative press, even when their doings are not being sensationalised to almost-Daily Mail-esque proportions.

Being a psychology student, I know that stereotypes aren’t healthy, so I jumped at the chance to see Lo Reid, one of Europe’s most famous and prolific hypnotists, in a show at Teesside University on the 23^rd of February. 

After a couple of speeches from a bunch of ex-servicemen who had somehow arrived in Middlesbrough with absolutely no money [and without the necessary camouflage and ammo to defend themselves from the chavs in the area], Lo Reid took to the stage; the room filling with expectation from past show-attendees, and bewilderment from skeptics such as myself.  Dressed from head to toe in black leather, a look that suggested she was also available to hire as a low-budget Debbie Harry replacement, Reid attempted a quick stand-up routine to warm up the crowd. By ‘attempted stand-up’, I of course mean that she delivered a tirade filled to the brim with F-bombs and downstairs body-parts, held together with a few genuinely funny punch-lines.

After successfully sourcing 20 volunteers who met her rather stringent criteria [of not being idiots, too drunk, or on medication], the hypnotism finally began. To my dismay, she did not carry a pocket-watch to hypnotise participants with, but insisted that that they had to stare at a specific spot on the wall and relax whilst listening to her instructions. At this point, the audience was told to be as quiet as possible, as this would affect the concentration of the volunteers on stage. While true showmen and show-women, even under these circumstances, would not turn their backs to the audience, all I could really see was the back of Lo Reid’s aging-blonde hair style, and the dead cow that sacrificed its life to provide the skin to make the bulk of her jacket.

Once all of the volunteers were all ‘under’ [and at this point, they were not the only ones feeling ‘veerrrry sleeeeepy’], they were all made to subconsciously act out several scenarios, including being a goldfish, being a train, and somewhat bizarrely, being in their favourite sex positions; a command that resulted in one girl flopping back on her chair and not moving a muscle, and one man roughly grabbing the hypnotist and attempting to mate with her. From this moment on, the show seemed to repeat jokes over, and over again, exposing the crude humour that this country has sadly succumbed to in recent years. Candidates running for NUS Presidency ended up taking their clothes off at various points throughout the show; students hope that this is the only time that they’ll be caught with their pants down.

Other skits included volunteers acting out an Indian Jeremy Kyle sketch [which some called racist], certain participants forgetting the existence of the number 7, and volunteers dancing to Beyoncé’s hit “Single Ladies”, seemingly of their own volition. Unfortunately, I’ve forgotten most of the events that occurred in the rest of the show, proving that I’ve either got a talent for repressing painful memories, or proving how forgettable Lo Reid’s show really is. 

Sadly enough, I’ve seen more highlights in my roommate’s latest hairdo, and the ticket didn’t seem to be worth the paper it was printed on. Duller than a digestive biscuit, and dryer than the desert, the show may be heading to a Student Union bar near you –avoid it at all costs. Lo Reid’s Hypnotist Show is exactly that: low.

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