Three cardinal sins of the student kitchen

Recently, in an attempt to become even more of a skint-flint, perhaps even impress my peers, and maybe even seek out an alternative career path, I’ve attempted to spend more time in the kitchen. As a teenager who has grown up in the ‘microwave era’, I’ve been used to limiting my cuisine to several three-minute wonders, including those infamous Chicago Town pizzas, macaroni and cheese from Marks and Spencer, and some items from Iceland that I am still yet to identify, and can still feel clunking through my digestive system one year later. After getting sicker and sicker of the limited choices in the microwave aisles of several supermarkets, I decided to pluck up the courage, and pick up a frying pan. Of course, as many will say, practise makes perfect, and through my many attempts at dinner and lunch, though still being far from perfect, I have learnt quite a few kitchen clues and cues.

Sin one: Acting like you’re on the BBC

Come on, admit it- we’ve all done it at some point. Whether it’s in the style of Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey, or even the legend himself, Ainsley Harriot; you cannot deny that, at least once in your life, you have pretended to be the host of a cookery show, dancing around your kitchen. I must admit that I, too, have been partial to attempting some sultry Nigella-esque looks-to-camera, but I realised my mistake when I recorded myself and realised that I only looked as sexy as her father.
All in all, talking to yourself or a pretend audience, when making your din-dins, is a recipe for disaster- not only do you look like you may have a couple of disorders, but you take the risk of allowing your creation to slowly burn to the point of cremation within your oven, as you deliver a heartfelt monologue about how the recipe was handed to you by a relative on their deathbed.

Sin two: Loving experimentation more than a fat kid loves cake
Don’t get me wrong- experimenting and goofing around in the kitchen is always welcome, and can often result in some spectacular combinations and concoctions. It can’t be denied, however, that there are some things that are best left on the separate sides of the kitchen. I would recommend, for instance, that you strongly avoid trying to mix marmite and ice cream, and fight off the urge to become Britain’s Ben’n’Jerry; combining several wacky flavours that could easily end up putting someone in the intensive care unit of the local hospital.
If the thought of severely endangering someone’s life is not enough to stop you from such mad culinary experiments, I’d like to remind you that success is not a guarantee of a great reputation. For example: milk is a great ‘invention’, and is something that we use all day, every day. We would most likely be unable to hold our lives together without it. But the question does still remain: what was the man who first milked a cow actually trying to do!? While your kitchen adventures may not carry the same disgusting undertone as a bestiality attempt gone-wrong, they could still leave a bitter taste in the mouths of the eaters.

Sin three: It’s all beans
Baked beans have long been the staple cuisine of the red-faced student, and can often be spotted in the lower-left cupboard that occupies a vast amount of their habitat. However, while they may seem to be the only item that may serve as prey for the ravenous higher-education attendee, this is a massive mistake.
This final sin consists of a plea, and that is a plea for you to diversify your cooking, even though you’re probably scared of setting off all of the fire alarms in your student accommodation block, engulfing the building in flames, and burning food to the point of it being a carcinogenic crisp. Just a new ingredient here, and a new cooking method there will allow you to create some fabulous recipes, and you could even take the opportunity to create some dishes that you never thought you could ever make. The main lesson here is to have fun. Cooking’s not all about enjoying a nice meal- it’s about enjoying the experience, and learning skills that will turn you into great house-owners in the years to come.

Take these lessons with you, and you’ll be cookin’ on gas.

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